A.V.W.D. - Herb Skew (100 best novels of all time txt) 📗

what's real and what isn't any- more. Maybe I've spent too long here. I don't know why I'm telling you, I just feel--

 

LALIO Why is she calling herself Kara?

 

 

PIP I don't know, maybe it's her folks. Let's hope she's not bent and religious. She might have a vagina bomb?

 

LALIO Nope, searched their pal - you're just being paranoid now. By the way, what happened to this place when we passed out?

 

PIP I'm not sure - I don't want to see the bill. Who did you invite round? it was meant to be a deep meaningful experience. Politically charged with religious flakes. Like a new cereal. And definitely prevents masturbation. But it all went pear shaped. I hate living here, but I feel trapped.

 

LALIO Not you too. Boring. Listen, Pip, we should get out of the cityworld and go to the coast for a bit. Live in a sandcastle or a bed and breakfast. If they'll let us all in! Oh well! La-di-da! Live and learn, right? By the way, you should never have acid for breakfast anyway - not unless you dropped it the night before. Then it's fine, isn't it?

 

PIP I haven't a clue what you're talking about. I don't know where Rick's gone to. I think he's overdosed again. I don't know if he can hear me in the afterlife.

 

LALIO Oh Pip, you joker! You're not dead just yet! Oh yeah babe, you'll never guess what's happening downstairs? Toddy's having a psychotic episode!

 

PIP Toddy's flipped? the privileged middle-class wonder kid with the world at his feet and a millionaire by the time he's twenty-five? That Toddy? Yankie spankie Toddy?

 

LALIO It's sooo weird. Probably all that surgery and all those meds. You know, Pip, I'm frightened. I was going to clamp hsi face to my pussy and suffocate him, but that might be a bit extreme. I don't know, it's an extreme world. Shall I call the police?

 

PIP No, no - call Kopov, I'm sure we'll get it straightened out. I'll phone Toddy's dad again as well. He always helps him. That kid was born lucky.

 

LALIO Well, don't get all thinkey on me. I know how jealous you poor kids can get! Shit boree-snoree! But I'm in two minds about calling for help and I'm allergic to pigs! Boo-ya Pippy! Anyway, Toddy seems to think he's fine - but he wants collogen in his brain to give him trout brain!

 

PIP You must stop him doing that!He'll find someone to do it you, he always gets his way!

 

LALIO It does sound funny though, but I did say. That's all I'm doing - I can't stop him. You know what he's doing now?

 

PIP He better not be making another viral vid? He'll get banned again!

 

LALIO Something like that.Pip? Pip? You haven't fainted again?

 

PIP(gasping for breath.) No, it's fine - I think I'm tripping on sunshine.

 

LALIO(giggles.) Did you know Toddy is casting a Nazi war criminal, the Israeli Prime Minister's son and a rent boy who used to be in the Taliban in some mad expo-vid. I think it's a skin flick thing, not quite up there with The Lil' Spermaid, but it's all very progressive. And you know what? Kopov use to be a jailer at Gitmo and the rent boy used to be there too! Banging! Yeah, you couldn't make it up - small world, right? I mean it's just so wow that. Like, it leaves me speechless. What can I say? I mean, seriously, it sounds like something from out of a film or whatever. I know it's all very intellectual - Ivy leaguers must dig that shit.

 

PIP I think I need to hang up now.

 

LALIO That's a shame. You can talk. I'll send you a picture of a midget fucking a dog, then a dog fucking a midget. It's so funny. Have you seen the pic where I stick a Granny Smith up my arse?

 

PIP I can't I think I'm -

 

We hear a thud off, through the speakerphone as PIP has passed out.

 

LALIO Hello? Shit - what a lightweight! He's passed out on me again! I wish I hadn't broken my other phone for video calls. What a shit! PIP! HELLO PIP! PIP! HELP ME PIP!

 

LALIO gets quieter, the battery eventually goes on her phone; the power mysteriously drains from the panic room, as darkness consumes her and TARVOA. A weird emergency light comes on. EVERYONE enters, coming back round, looking dazed but loved up and they all do the hokey-kokey, as if it is some religious ritual; the puke-cut soundtrack plays. EVERYONE gets taken away by the PHANTOMIZED DEATH SQUAD INC. which means 
death by trippy lightshow.

 

Imprint

Text: Herb Skew
Cover: Herb Skew
Publication Date: 09-25-2015

All Rights Reserved

Dedication:
To the elegantly wasted Camden Posse.