A.V.W.D. - Herb Skew (100 best novels of all time txt) 📗

vlogs. There’s a huge market, so no need to blog all the time - you freaks are usually hot best-sellers. You can do it!

 

PIP I can?

 

KOPOV Yes, it's a cash-cow - it'll give you money off. Imagine all the freebies you'll get - you'll be minted. Even more so after the tenth!

 

PIP Oh, okay - well, it's a good cause I -

 

KOPOV I'll start right away! (Handing PIP the breasts with foreskins attached to the nipples and takes out a marker pen, drawing all over PIP'S chest. ) Great. It'll be brilliant. I've got some more frozen foreskins if you want extra on the nips? It'll be unique. No-one in the whole wide world has cock nipples. It'll be your hard sell.

 

PIP I'll need a site - how do I sell myself?

 

KOPOV Let me pimp - I mean pump - you for the particulars later! I'll be your agent.

 

PIP I should let Toddy know, I don't know if -

 

KOPOV As long as no-one gets hurt it'll be okay.

 

PIP That's what I keep telling myself. then the neighbour - well, she's down stairs. One of those types who moan at the slightest thing. she's transporting her soul.

 

KOPOV Hopefully not publicly, sir!

 

PIP (baffled.) Was that a joke?

 

KOPOV No, no, it was just a shrewd observation on soul-smuggling.

 

PIP Right. I haven't been on public transport for ages. I'm frightened I'll end up on the moon.

 

KOPOV You really are a wanker, sir.

 

PIP I know - I like wanking. It is safe sex after all. I've got a camera, my connections, lots of tissue, and lots of baby oil. What more do I need?

 

KOPOV Good point. Toddy'll be shafting you like mad - is he doing the follow-up to -

 

PIP Just get on with it, I promised him.

 

KOPOV I'll open your account now sir. (Tries to make a clicking sound like an Internet browser loading sites.) There I've got your personalized secure details now.

 

PIP Oh great - you're fucked too!

 

KOPOV For a good cause though, sir?

 

PIP Oh good! Okay then - why not!

 

The PHANTOMIZED DEATH SQUAD enter and PIP and KOPOV do a strange Yellow Brick Road walk, laughing together as they exit. They leave TARVOA there still frozen in her statuesque trance.

 

TWO

 

NOT LIKE WHAT? BY LALIO BOHOHO

 

Setting: the present day. In a flat in Stanmore. The action spans for only one day, time predictably blurs throughout the day.

 

CAST

 

Snoo [PLAYED BY TARVOA MIMMOZA]: Lives, pretty much, in a dream world full of getting wasted on whatever and prefers constant casual sex; she wants to communicate this experience as pain, when it’s a fun way of living for her. But she's bored of it. She devises something called Staple My Brain. This is nothingness, just a vehicle for expressing her "pain". This, apparently, stems from being a drop-out student, and doing very little; but she gets an allowance to live off.

 

Virgil [KOPOV STRAITMANOV]: a wannabe actor, who hooks up with Snoo mainly for sexual purposes. He does not live with them. He shares Snoo’s perspective, but takes it further; he is an exhibitionist, who likes to get attention by hurting himself. This backfires on him, but he enjoys it. He loves to fail.

 

Rupio [YANKIESPANKIE TODDY]: a puppeteer who has been recently fired. However, he lives with Snoo purely for professional reasons, but agrees with the life style, and gets annoyed that she rejects his puppetry. This could be a catalyst for his irrational actions. But they could just be normal for him.

 

Cranston [PIP DE RIDDOR]: a loner, who has little time for his co-dwellers. He hates Virgil, and is apathetic towards the state of the flat. he wants an interesting life, but something restrains him; he hates his co-dwellers and their false weirdness. He is biding his time. But his co-dwellers unknowingly address his pain.

 

Boris [GOSPEL RICK]: an overtly intellectual friend of Cranston’s, who has visited his flat to watch a film. Boris has never been round Cranston’s flat before, but is amazed by his flat-mates weirdness.

 

Kara [LALIO BOHOHO]: latches onto Boris, and comes along to quell the boredom, which is the real killer. She is a wannabe playwright, who is depressed about everything; but she relates to Snoo. Cranston and Boris probably both want to get it on with her, as she is from a respectable middle-class background(though her mother is a closet working-class snob). But she identifies with Snoo, and falls in love with her. Her world is made then shattered in matter of minutes sending her back to square one. How she’ll express it, we’ll never know, but she is not happy and never will be.

 

Radio Presenter: on the radio; politically correct cheesy specialist

Note: Bunty is unseen, but we do not know if he is real or not. Props can be symbolic, as can be the fire. None of it needs to be real. Please self-medicate.

 

Scene A.
Flat: Lounge: 4:51 am.
It is covered with excrement, and looks as if it is trapped in the process of redecoration.

On the floor there are bowls of dried food, and other litter, including puddles of vomit. Some food is attached to the wall, by the hanging excrement.
Snoo enters, with Virgil. Virgil has a nail in his head.

 

Snoo: (laughing.) I don’t get it! Why do it?

 

Virgil: (fiddling with his nail.) I was bored and wanted attention - at least the girl looked at me, you know that? She gave me a starry-eyed gaze. I wanted her to surprise me, starry-eyed, and flash, but she -

 

Snoo: You’re not allowed in here; Cranston doesn’t like you.

 

Virgil: Well, I’m a cool rebel, aren’t I? I’ll-

 

Snoo: Look, he’s tough; he’s in telesales, or something; but he’ll fuck you up. Again. He put you in hospital last time, didn’t he?

 

Virgil: (looks around; paranoid.) I’m not fussed. Anyway, I like hospitals. I want to be a doctor. And things work if your ill, or fucked. I come here for your classes; say I’m a student, or something. Play along, Cranston pickle will buy it.

 

Snoo: (lovingly.) You’re a piece of shit and you’re annoying. I suppose you want something sexual?

 

Virgil: Can I observe?

 

Snoo: (annoyed.) You know I’m depressed; I can’t masturbate when I’m depressed! You got a fag?

 

Virgil: No. But I’ll have a cuppa. I got the sugar! (Holds a bag of cocaine, taken from his pocket.) You want?

 

Snoo: (lighting a cigarette.) No, I don’t want. Is it a freebie?

 

Virgil: I don’t do free. Shit, it’s seven thirty eight. I’ve got to get to work for nine. Fuck!

 

Snoo: (looks for a clock; checks time.) But it’s…no you’re right, that is the time. I haven’t used a clock in ages, it feels timeless that feeling; but I need sleep. Now. Let me suck you off quickly, before I snooze.

 

Virgil: (fondling himself.) Does Cranston wank?

 

Snoo: (playfully.) You like him now, not me! (Mood swings; angrily.) YOU BITCH, ALWAYS FUCKING WITH ME! I thought you were meant to be my student! I’ll teach you about life, fuck Cranston! (Virgil laughs, getting excited.) No, don’t fuck Cranston.

 

Cranston enters, in tweed dressing gown , with a cigarillo, and looks annoyed. He carries a copy of PC Gamer.

 

Virgil: (worst “Wigga” impression.) Hey rudeo-boy, howyadoin’!

 

Cranston: (to Snoo; irritated.) Get this retard out of the house, before I call the authorities; I don’t know why you keep bringing people in here, especially at such daft times. I told you, Snoo, no people. I don’t want that!

 

Snoo: Sorry Cranston. He’s into plays and stuff. You know what I mean?

 

Cranston: No. And I don’t care. Just keep the noise down. The neighbours are still asleep, and I’m making a model Fokker (Virgil laughs, groping his genitals.) so I’ll need to concentrate. I’ll be in my quarters. (Sternly to Virgil.) You’ll be out of vicinity soon. I’ll give you fifteen minutes.

 

Virgil: (dramatically.) Not five years? We’ve got five years! FIVE YEARS!

 

Cranston: You’re a fool and you deserve to contract a fatal illness. I hope your brain hurts a lot. Soon. Keep quiet and I’ll be back to kick you-

 

Snoo (begging.) No, let him stay; we can all play. (Excited.) We can have a threesome!

 

Cranston: (changing the subject.) Has the puppeteer gone to bed?

 

Snoo: Rupio’s been out getting drunk all week; we had a threesome with him the other night, didn’t we Virgil? (Virgil laughs in Cranston’s face; Cranston takes an air freshener spray out of his pocket, and sprays it around the room; Virgil coughs, then tries to hold his breath.) I think he’s got a gig, doing kiddies puppets for some fair, or whatever. A school fete or something. He’s done well. He’ll make it as a puppet.

 

Cranston: Yes, you’ll make it as great puppets.

 

Virgil: I better be going. I’ve got to get this nail outta my head, man!

 

Cranston: Try a hammer.

 

Virgil: (baffled.) But that’s silly, that’ll -

 

Snoo: Can I let Virgil stay the night? I want him for my project, 'Staple My Brain'. It's a working title. I suppose I could call it Working Title, but I'm sure some clever fucker's thought of that by now. It's so unfair - no fuckin' ideas left. Fuckin' poopsy - my head hurts now. And I'm sick of calling everything I do Untitled. It's s bit, I dunno. But I hate titles, fucking pointless. I'm boring you, aren't I? Am I being wanky? I am an artist.(Cranston tuts, pushing her away, as she tries to lick his face.) Can puppy stay?

 

Cranston: He can stay, but (Referring to Virgil.) that fiend must remain outside the lodgings. Last time he was here, he smeared his shit all on the walls and pissed in my teapot. That’s not right. I know you all went on a night out, but you always do it. I know you’re into the arts, but artists must be calm - you can’t be like that. It’s-

 

Virgil: (bored.) Thanks for the speech, Speechless, but we have to go. So, put your granddad slippers on and I’ll see you tomorrow! (In Cranston’s ear; Cranston flinches.) TOMORROW!

 

Cranston: Snoo - make sure he’s in the coal bunker, or the wheelie bin. And get me some milk. Semi-skimmed.

 

Virgil: Can I have a blanket?

 

Cranston: Use the cat blanket in the shed.

 

Virgil: I thought you had a dog? Get it?

 

Cranston: Well, I have had many dogs, but you’re the last of the bitches. Now, I must retire. I have an early start tomorrow. Unlike you fools, I have responsibility. Keep the noise down and try not to kill each other. Well, just try to keep the noise down. I won’t ask too much! And leave my cigarillo’s alone, Snoo.

 

Snoo: (excited.) I’ve almost finished my play - you wanna watch it?

 

Cranston: Of course, Snoo darling, after you’ve killed yourself first. Then maybe.

 

Snoo: (pleased; jumps for joy.) Oh, at least you’ll come! YOU’LL COME! YOU’LL COME! (Hugs Cranston, who looks shocked; Virgil laughs, clapping.) I knew you were cool really, Cranston. Thanks.

 

Cranston: Fuck off, you’re all crazy!

 

Cranston exits quickly.

 

Virgil: Hahahahaaaaaaaaaaa!Ha! You said come! CUMMUMCUMMUMCUMMUMMYCUM!CUMYUMMY! (Beat.) You get it? Said fucking come! You get me, huh?

 

Snoo: (stares at Virgil.) Let’s go to sleep, Virgil, on Tracy Island! But first let me just rehearse the first act - I think you’ll like this one! I want to know how it sounds and grasp it, a bit.

 

Virgil: (tired.) Do we have to do it now? I’ll get hurt again! And I’m fucked.

 

Snoo: Already? You must be getting slow. Too much booze, and you want to give up fags, and good food, cos it might be bad. If you cook it bad.

 

Virgil: Only had a radish for dinner today.

 

Snoo: That’s not good!

 

Virgil: Yeah, it is! This radish was good!

 

Snoo: Anything that’s good is actually bad. See, you should watch that conspiracy movie with me. It’s really cool, like super-HYPER-FAB-WOW-cool, and really realistic. Not just hyped up, for realism - it isn't real. But I can imagine it for real and that’s how realistic it is. Like reality. But more real. Zoomy. Just to get you thinking that everything’s bad.

 

Virgil: Oh, really! (Beat.) I feel faint. Can I bowl it in your toilet?

 

Snoo: You’ve got a nail in