A.V.W.D. - Herb Skew (100 best novels of all time txt) 📗

like that!

 

PIP She's not dead!

 

TODDY You know I joked with the surgeon that this was a rhino penis - get it?

 

PIP No - I don't. It a tribal thing? (TODDY shrugs, looking disappointed that PIP did not get his "joke".) And what happened to your American accent?

 

TODDY It's all change buddy, all change-a-changin'. Keep with the times. Yank-glish text speak is the way forward.

 

PIP(baffled.) What are you talking about Toddy?

 

TODDY I need to move with the times - so do you! - I'm practising my post-Ali G media chat. I want to do (Pants like a dog.) - get it? Panto aiiiight? See maybe we can solve every street-war with a camp dance-off? (Tries to sing Prince's 'Dance On', then takes out his mobile phone and plays it off it, putting it down, while trying to bodypop over it, but ends up convulsing on it. PIP winces, tries to silence YANKIESPANKIE TODDY by trying to stop his dancing. YANKIESPANKIE TODDY comes round, looking miffed; he goes to stab PIP with his mobile phone, then, puts the mobile down his trousers and hugs PIP.) See, it's the future - I mean darrr footah... No, dee ferturrr. No-

 

PIP Okay, I'll -

 

TODDY And I've a got a reality porno series I want to do. Hopefully it'll get picked up by the MTV whores, but I reckon it'll rot on freeporndotnet.

 

PIP Again?

 

TODDY Clear up this shit by the way. Weren't you meant to clean up? I can still the smell jizz from last night, mate. It's a bit raw!

 

PIP Can you help me lift her up?

 

TODDY I'm not the servant! You play that one! Then you do me up th-

 

PIP I know, I know.

 

PIP looks baffled, as he can't lift TARVOA and clenches his back, looking at TODDY as he winces, as he attempts to lift her up.

 

TODDY Drag her, right? Must be all that healthy fly food they eat abroad!

 

PIP I would get Rick to help me but he's in the suite with that Lalio Bohoho girl.

 

TODDY(looking devastated.) No way! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

 

PIP She's putting on one of her performances, I thought you had arranged it. She's doing some thinkey-po-mo-piece, too. I said no-one really relates to them anyway - I mean who's got time to think about thinking these days?

 

TODDY(sweating.) Don't encourage her, she's a fuckin' real freak - I don't want to work with her again. (Gulps, rubbing his labia forehead, anxiously.) Never again. She's hideous. She'll fuck us all...up.

 

PIP Shall we lock her in there?

 

TODDY I've got to go. Put her off. We'll give ethno-chicky the part.

 

PIP But she's -

 

TODDY I know - that's why you're going to deal with it! I've got to dash - I've got shares in my eco-friendly glass dildo company to flog.

 

YANKIESPANKIE TODDY opens a hidden wall compartment and takes out of the compartment a cape and a 'Toxic Avenger' mask; he puts it on; his nose-penis distorting the mask even more.

      PIP A party?

 

TODDY I'll be back - later buddy-o yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw!

 

YANKIESPANKIE TODDY jumps out of the penthouse window.

 

PIP Great. This is going to be more than a party.

 

We hear thunder then sounding more demonic grumbling, we hear Depeche's Mode 'The Landscape Is Changing' from below. PIP looks around, momentarily staring at the chair, then listens to the walls then listens to the floor. Suddenly, the PHANTOMIZED DEATH SQUAD INC appear flying around, screeching like harpies. TARVOA regains consciousness and screams; she screams even louder as PIP stumbles on top of her, both writhing together in the tar.

AFTERNOON

 

ONE
Penthouse clubhouse bar in the Penthouse.

LALIO is trying to use a guitar amplifier like a vibration machine; and occasionally tries to play guitar with her tongue, trying to get the best feedback out of it. A guitar case is nearby. She starts dancing and her anus beads and vagina-balls dangle down as she dances. She then stamps on a strawberry cheesecake, which looks like it was taken off a shop display. She picks bits off her toes, licking it, smearing it on the guitar, bouncing up and down on the amp.

PIP is still in his dressing gown and is sweating as he watches LALIO. She's got him on a dog leash, while RICK is taped up in a sleeping bag wiggling like a fat, oily, bug. TARVOA has sanitary towels over her tarry nipples and her dress is covered in tar. She looks scared as she has been gagged with tampons and tied in dental floss. YANKIESPANKIE TODDY is in disguise as the penthouse club BAR MAN, by wearing his cape Emperor-style and walking on his knees, pretending to be a midget. There's literally a small mini bar.

 

LALIO(trying to sound like Karen Black) Wanna foot-job? I betcah like guts smeared on yer dick, right? (She then starts making retching and fake orgasm sounds.) Oooh - check it, uhuhuh -

 

PIP(tries to rescue the strawberry cheesecake, but backs away.) I have to get back, I'm sorry.

 

LALIO is still making retching and groaning sounds and shakes her butt and takes out of a guitar case a gherkin and some peanut butter which she dips into it and starts to suck the gherkin. The BAR MAN puts out a bowl of Pills that have been mixed with the roasted peanuts and PIP plays with one of them, while RICK tries to munch them all, through a taped mouth.

 

RICK(gnawing at the tape around his mouth,drooling.)

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRWOOFWOOFWOOOF!

 

PIP I need to - (Retches over his fake wine.) Bar man! More health juice, please. (Whispering.) Maybe some real alcohol if you can -

 

BAR MAN Urgh, yousss beee carrreful on thar savage seas.

 

PIP I don't need a lecture today, so please don't start.

 

BAR MAN Umm yarsh thee force is -

 

PIP I SAID DON'T FUCKIN START YOU LITTLE SHIT! (Shocked by himself.) I'm sorry, I didn't mean to -

 

BAR MAN (pretends to cry.) Boo-hoo-boo-hooooooooooooo!

 

PIP Oh dear, I'm so sorry. Shit, I've fucked you're life up now - haven't I? I didn't mean to cause you emotional distress. Look, is it okay if I give you half a mill, you'll shut up right?

 

BAR MAN(sniffling.) Oh, go on then.

 

PIP Brilliant. I'll send you a cheque - here's my card.

 

BAR MAN Thanks (Reads the card, shaking his head.)...Toddy. Great name... Mate.

 

PIP(winks at the BAR MAN.) I know. Mate. Oh gosh - that made me feel better. It was almost an illegal legal high. Sorry, that makes no sense!

 

           The BAR MAN exits, looking annoyed. LALIO screams, as TARVOA and GOSPEL RICK wriggle.

 

LALIO Noa arko darko wayooo! Mon!MOooooooooooooooooooon! What a mad scene! It's happening, right? It's all happening!

 

PIP Where?

 

LALIO It's such a vibe. I'm gutted that midget's knocked off now - fisting Dead Babies style! I'm serious mon, I really wanted to screw it! We've done soooooooooo much shit!

 

PIP Have we?

 

LALIO I love this hyperjuice health shake.

 

PIP You do? I think it tastes like shit.

 

LALIO You need to lighten up. It's all in the mind.

 

PIP(shaking his head.) Where's Rick?

 

LALIO(eyes TARVOA. TARVOA looks scared.) She a girlfy?

 

PIP Who?

 

LALIO Snow White covered in scat. (Taps PIP'S head.) You got some dark shit in there mister.

 

PIP No, it's erm...no, it's not like that, you see, she's my, erm, well-

 

LALIO I KNEW IT! You're screwing her over and you want me to double dip her with you? Right? I do crazy lesbo shit too. (Goes to squeeze TARVOA'S tarred breasts.) Can I squeeze her tits?

 

PIP(pushing LALIO's hands away from TARVOA'S breasts.) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NO! Sorry but -

 

LALIO Getting possessive already? Retro-oldey-woldey. I diggio dude-breath.

 

PIP(losing it with LALIO, who's now oiling up a slider-dildo which she takes from the guitar case.) Dude-breath? That meant to be cool? Look, whatever your name is, you're trapped in the shitty fad of your turdy subculture! You're not shocking, okay? And you speak SO much shit. Thanks for the free gig, by the way! It was shit: you can't play or sing - or do anything! Can't you just fuck off now? Please - I'll pay you -

 

LALIO You got it! It was well po-mo! I hit it! We got to hang round more - you got my perfie straight up. Blow yer mind huh?

 

PIP(amazed.) I can't get rid of you, can I?

 

LALIO(makes a slider-dildo gun at TARVOA; loads it like a Winchester pump-action shot gun.) She's my competition?

 

PIP Oh, erm, no, no way. No, she's my new assistant. She's new to the city, of course, but no foreign-national, she's pure, gaining experience working here at Percheron towers - she needs to be erm, broken in (LALIO snorts, shaking her head.) No! I didn't mean like -

 

LALIO Toddy's getting uppity - two ass-istants now. Arsey-d'arcy!

 

PIP No, he's -

 

LALIO(puts on yet more make-up, plays with her hair.) I bet we can do some weird shit - all of us together, right? When's Toddy getting back?

 

PIP I don't know, he's in... Where is he after trading, as it's July, I mean December... He'll be in Japan now. His flight's just landed.

 

LALIO Japan? Shit, that's crazy. (Ninja-kicks PIP'S bum.) Jahpon! JAP-PORN! They lurrrrve weird shit there. I shat on a cow and milked it with me gob for one client over there. He needed it animated to jerk off to it - as you do! But Toddy in Jahpon - woooow, fuck! That's like a big wow-wee! He toonin' it up?

 

PIP Japan isn't in Newcastle, my -

 

LALIO No - you sushi-dick - in the -

 

RICK GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR-

 

LALIO(at RICK.) DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHN! (Smiles, applauds herself.) Sorry, I always wanted to do that; it was like a childhood dream.

 

PIP Oh great - I'm going to have to get something that'll accidentally kill you!

 

LALIO Shit - that's cool. I'll be dying young and staying pretty.

 

PIP No - you'll be out of my way! I think I'm going to have to call security.

 

PIP rings a little brass bell he takes out of his pocket and KOPOV STRAITMANOV appears, a huge hulking man, built like a brick shithouse. He is looking very serious and dressed like the Milk Tray Man. LALIO falls in love immediately. GOSPEL RICK growls, then falls asleep, while TARVOA struggles to get his attention help her.

 

KOPOV You rang?

 

LALIO Now that's a porn star Pip! You're good, you're really good.

 

PIP(points at LALIO.) Can you eject this one please?

 

LALIO(laughing, claps at PIP, then tries to fondle KOPOV.) Alright! Get funky fuzzy-pig-boy! Come on, arrest me - arrest me, please? See I said please!

 

LALIO runs around, using her gherkin as a ninja sword and makes swishing noises, trying to ram it into KOPOV'S mouth. KOPOV munches the gherkin spitting it out at LALIO. This gets her horny, as KOPOV grabs the slider dildo off her, shaking his head. LALIO rubs herself between her legs, then takes a powdered-water bottle from the guitar case and tries to snort some then throws some over KOPOV. KOPOV licks the powder slowly staring at LALIO, while she rubs herself harder, groaning.

 

PIP Get her out quick!

 

LALIO(winking at KOPOV, licking her fingers.) I'll need searching first! Tickticktickticktick -

 

PIP Get her out - she's -

 

LALIO stuffs her wet cummy fingers into PIP'S mouth; PIP is shocked.

 

KOPOV(licking his lips, smiling.) I noticed sir.

 

LALIO CUFF ME!CUFF ME, LOOK! I'M BEING A LAIRY CUNT! CUFF ME!

 

KOPOV(takes out a real police baton and batters LALIO with it, but she's getting turned on by it, but slowly loses consciousness.) Silence-ov, sir. (Smiles, pleased with his beat job, once LALIO'S unconscious,