A.V.W.D. - Herb Skew (100 best novels of all time txt) 📗

CAST

"Imagologues create systems of ideals and anti-ideals, systems of short duration which are quickly replaced by other systems but which influence our behaviour, our political opinions and aesthetic tastes, the colour of carpets and the selection of books just as in the past we have been ruled by the systems of ideologues"

Milan Kundera, Immortality, QPD 1991, p.129-130

 

TARVOA MIMMOZA - strange reborn death cultist who bleeds tar out of her nipples and is somehow sacred but shames her family by selling her tar for a new fad tar-fetish, a niche in porno-religious marketing.

 

GOSPEL RICK- a sound type, but an insomniac-narcoleptic, so he's occasionally comatose; says nothing, but has a few laughs.

 

YANKIESPANKIE TODDY - a high-flying executive and cult porn star, who loves pioneering trend-setting cut price cosmetic surgery.

 

LALIO BOHOHO - a posh rebel who's really lost it, but wants to make another scene without too much violence this time. But she has recently become very issue driven and inspired by numerous zeitgeists.

 

PIP DE RIDDOR - an isolated trust-funded fantasist, enjoying the buzz of many phobias.

 

KOPOV STRAITMANOV - a mercenary undercover detective and private law enforcer. Also moonlighting as a security guard for Percheron Towers and is secretly PIP DE RIDDOR's stalker and number one fan. PIP's only fan, of course. Although that could just be his cover story...

 

TAR BABIES - they live in the walls and are secreted by TARVOA

 

FOAM CUM BABIES - they're foamy cum and they're alive.

 

PHANTOMIZED DEATH SQUAD INC - a series of spiritual phantoms created by TARVOA'S family sent to get her. They're made from old lingerie, crescent and crucifix-shaped sex toys and swastikas made from twisted rubber penises.

 

Set in the inner city urban environment around Percheron Towers, deep in the big polluted shitty (as in city). The time is now, whenever that might be. In parallel, it is also set in a dilapidated flat within the sprawl of suburbia and an inner city college campus. The action spans for only one day; time predictably blurs throughout the day and obviously has no real meaning. Note: Theme music is a sample of a recording of someone vomiting; it is getting cut and scratched as if it is part of a DJ set.

MORNING

 

 

 

ONE

 

Swish luxury penthouse. It is sparse as everything is folded into tiny compartments. A rug is on the floor. A huge flat screen TV is the backdrop. YANKIESPANKIETODDY enters dressed in a designer suit, looking chiselled and tanned. His hair is covered in cling-film and tin foil. He poses checking himself out in a compact mirror, putting it away. He opens a compartment and takes out various energy and vitamin supplements. He takes as many as he can washing them down with Lucozade, Ultra Fuel and whisky. He looks around frantically checking if anybody saw him and quickly puts them all away, even picking up dropped supplements and pockets them. PIP suddenly enters, in his dressing gown, soiled boxer shorts and battered crocs. He looks as if hasn't slept for years, his eyes are puffy and his skin is pale, flaking away. YANKIESPANKIETODDY sprays PIP with some sort of designer aftershave in a small spray dispenser. He shakes his head at PIP.

 

YANKIESPANKIETODDY Yaw clean th' place up if yaw locked up in it. Check? Yaw git me, cleaner?

 

PIP (baffled.) What? I'm a work in progress....I'm a bit -

 

TODDY I can't gas -gutta dash,cowfuckboy.Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw!

 

YANKIESPANKIETODDY exits quickly, slamming the door. GOSPEL RICK appears from behind the door, staggering around aimlessly. He wears a skeleton costume, and large retro Hi-Tec trainers; he's soaked in blood. He pulls a bit of broken metal out of his chest, smiling. He opens a compartment and plugs a games console controller into his mouth. He reaches for a beanbag and pulls down his trousers as he uses it as a toilet. He does a horrendous shit-fart. PIP takes out a bottle of pills from one dressing gown pocket and takes a cup and a sachet of powder and fills the cup full of powder which he tries to drink

 

PIP I've got to get targeted today. You know what I mean Rick! Contracted. Connected. Stereoed - the marketing people need me to keep in the loop. In the know. But I hate going out there. Did you get any milk?

 

RICK(laughs.)

 

PIP Thanks. Mate. I don't call you that often I know, but I don't know what I'd do without you. It better not be that weird milk, though?

 

RICK(still laughing.)

 

PIP I don't know how you keep doing it. I have to stay hardcore for Toddy's sake - he's a businessman after all.

 

RICK(drooling, smiling.)

 

PIP You're a great laugh, it's good you're around to keep me company - even if I do pay for all your extra meds.

 

RICK(falling asleep.)

 

PIP(still trying to make GOSPEL RICK listen to him, even though he's snoring.) I'm pleased you like my company, too. I've never felt so alive in the city. I come from the country you know. It's really dull. But it's fresh there. The whole planet'll be one big city soon. Like where the Emperor lives. But I'm working hard to meet my equal opps deadline.

 

We hear knocking at the door. It slowly opens. We see LALIO BOHOHO dressed like a bondage vampire priestess.

 

PIP You again?

 

LALIO Ehehehehmeeeh? Ellooooooo guv'nor! Like me colours?

 

PIP Where?

 

LALIO(smacking her lips together.) Don't tell me it's out of fashion again! The guys in the studio were going to top themselves, but I said think of the reunion! They'll be fine after a stint high and dry.

 

PIP You hear for the position?

 

LALIO(starts gyrating, then writhes on the floor trying to simulate various sexual positions.) I'm here to fuck that high flying business man stud! I'll do anything! ANYFIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!

 

PIP I'm sure.

 

LALIO You like sex in the shitty?

 

PIP No. I'm scared of it. I don't like germs.

 

LALIO You're in clogs?

 

PIP They're not -

 

LALIO I get it, dudus-bud-ass. I's chockin' likka gangstarr buff brer gitmoi, bluud?

 

PIP You're fucked.

 

LALIO That coke-o-skag on your Shreddies? I can't tell, but you can't speedball Shreddies dickomondo!

 

PIP(looking around him; GOSPEL RICK suddenly starts laughing again. It rains Shreddies) What Shredd-

 

LALIO What he doing?

 

PIP He's on benefits. And a repeat prescription.

 

LALIO For what?

 

PIP For being poor and thick I think. Oh - and for living in the city! He's even a test-tube baby, too. So he likes charity. He's in projects, programmes and politically correct diversity schemes - all sorts to hide him away. Even prison. And his whole family run some second-hand drugs cartel. They're all smacked up now.

 

LALIO Sounds like a good soap. We get it on?

 

PIP What? Here? Now?

 

LALIO What's the scene? You don't have Lego-hair? What's Toddy's business plan? Not D.V.D.A. again?

 

PIP It might be. What does it all mean? He's gone to sort his shares out. He makes so much at the markets.

 

LALIO Must've skills to pay big bills. Better than sticking your cock in a dead pig to get on in life. You know my daddy must know him! My mummy and daddy are diverse - they swing it, of course; they're soooo minted. I've got to spend, spend, spend before I'm cut out of the will!

 

PIP I don't know them, do I?

 

LALIO We're probably related, but fuck it – let’s fuck! We'll keep it in the family, eh?

 

PIP Family? What family?

 

LALIO(sticks some luna beads in her mouth and tries to do a Don Corleone impression.) Dee fam mon! It all on fam mon, yeeeeeeeh-bluuud! (Spits the luna beads out, PIP catches them looking disgusted. LALIO goes to hug PIP but he backs away.) Look I'm changing, I lost my vibespacebrainbooktwittwat.(Sticking her index and middle fingers into PIP'S mouth, thrusting them in and out rapidly.) Get me, GeekTwat? Can I check my vid-mail shit here?

 

PIP I've got to interview you first.

 

LALIO I've got to make sure you clean up!

 

PIP The place is clean!

 

LALIO Fill in the form, though. Make sure you do the ethnic minority form. So we can avoid you! HAH!

 

PIP Wait up - what form?

 

LALIO I got it. (Hands PIP a fortune cookie.) Break and see. It's to make it more interesting.

 

PIP(tries to Vulcan mind-meld with the fortune cookie.) Not lottery numbers again!

 

LALIO Shut up and break!

 

PIP(eats the fortune cookie without looking at the fortune inside.) Well, I reckon you've got it. Toddy'll pay you the going rate.

 

LALIO I don't care - I want to get my rocks off!

 

PIP Really?

 

LALIO Not with you though, you filthy bedroom troll.

 

PIP Troll?

 

LALIO Love that flickeroo. Eat it ooop! EAAAAAAAAAAATIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!

 

PIP I....(Baffled.) I think Rick needs his drip.

 

LALIO(spams herself; slapping the palm of her hand quite forcibly upon her forehead. Smiles at PIP, hugs him tightly.) Why didn't you say you're hooked up?

 

Tubes fall down from the ceiling and LALIO reveals her cannula and connects herself to the drip.

 

PIP I need to help Rick.

 

LALIO Rick's fine. More for me and you brooover! Do they do morphine nights and valium days here?

 

PIP I don't know that scene anymore. I have to finish my piece off.

 

LALIO What you do?

 

PIP I write the local scheme newsletter for Percheron Towers.

 

LALIO So you're not important? Just impotent! You just think you're well important! Fuckin' typical! I would've fucked you if you really were! Silly boy! Who fuckin' reads local newsletters? I bet Toddy big-balls pays the bills, right? (PIP looks offended, but tries to hide it.) You the Camptown Lady, bitch?

 

PIP No, I help. I have a trust and I'm his freelance intern.

 

LALIO(opens a compartment, and takes out a potato-sack dress and slips it over the vampire priestess bondage gear, trying to look Cinderella style. Puts on a blonde Monica Mayhem-style wig. Takes off her stiletto boots and puts on some wooden clogs.) I'm sure I've seen you on a eighteen to thirty? I've seen you in a club somewhere. Where have I seen you? It has to be somewhere.

     PIP I don't leave the city. No way - I was born here, I'll never leave. I don't want to - even though I hate it and moan about it all the time; and secretly hope for it to be destroyed - but, apart from that, I truly want to die here: it's like a tomb and a prison all in one!

 

LALIO(loudly chomps on a chewing gum, fails to blow a bubble with it, but licks her fingers seductively and pulls at the gum.) Just me din-dins, guess there's crimes everywhere these days; it's always been like it. Doesn't matter where you go, matey. Not just in the city, too, I mean literally anywhere! But it's fucked here - I had to skip over the mines.

 

PIP They're bins.

 

LALIO(takes out her drip tube.) Oh, I wondered what they're for.

 

PIP(smiles.) So you're another big kid with a lot of cash, too? Hope it doesn't rain Shreddies again, but I reckon you're more sheltered than me!

 

LALIO(starts to daub GOSPEL RICK with greasepaint.) I shelter in slums, sometimes a park bench. I suck off tramps for free, and they get a shock when they rim me! You know we've all got tails, right? I got a great idea to piss some time away! Shall we make him look like a punk rasta? It'll be like Insane Clown Posse mixed