A.V.W.D. - Herb Skew (100 best novels of all time txt) 📗

but she's covered KOPOV in powdered water and cum, as he examines the slider-dildo.) Hmmn.

 

PIP She's been like it all day. Did you just joke? (KOPOV shrugs, putting the slider-dildo into a large resealable plastic bag which struggles to contain it. PIP looks disgusted by his health juice.) I really need to relax. A whisky'll be great.

 

KOPOV(goes behind the bar and takes out the smallest bottle of whisky with a pipette attached to it. He opens it and uses the pipette to measure a drop of whisky, which he squirts into PIP'S health juice; PIP looks even more disappointed.) I can arrange for you to have a massage - and for your wife, maybe.

 

PIP Oh no, thanks, but no. And no, Officer, she's my assistant.

 

KOPOV(winking at PIP, downs the whisky, putting it away behind the bar.) I see. Do you need anything to relax? Remember sir, I'm also a source of legal information.

 

PIP Anything on sale?

 

KOPOV(going behind the small bar, takes out two small cardboard packets. Hands them to PIP) We have some tobacoholcainecana-E-blowskagacid. It's legal now, thank goodness. Saves on the paperwork. You can buy it in special state-sponsored packets.

 

PIP Yes, that sounds brilliant.

 

RICK(howls, wriggling his tongue)

 

PIP We'll take two thanks.

 

KOPOV Okay. That'll be four million.

 

PIP Four?

 

KOPOV Yes. Please? (PIP looks shocked; KOPOV blows PIP a kiss.) Thank you! By the way, despite it being legal to buy you are not allowed to do it for national health reasons.

 

PIP Right. So we can have it but we can't, you know?

 

KOPOV Yes. It's the law. Kind of. 

 

PIP That's a shame.

 

RICK(howls, but is now crying.)

 

PIP Okay, so I buy it, it'll be more like a collectors item?

 

KOPOV Yes, that's the idea! You should seriously think about pursuing legal administration.

 

PIP Really? The planets must be on my side - I read that in a fortune cookie once. It gave me the shits.

 

KOPOV It'll make you feel good just to have it. forget the cookie. It'll make you feel good for a while - scientifically speaking, of course. And you can attend meetings to resist it. You'll have a personal advisor who will contact you through all means of communication. At the meetings they make tea - even hot carob-based snacks. Tasty, eh? Then you can chat. Get it all out. Talking is the new opium, right?

 

PIP Right...I suppose that's addiction beat, eh?

 

KOPOV Yes - it appeased everyone! We think...This administration has the right idea.

 

PIP Think? What administration?

 

KOPOV Does it matter anymore? (Trying the beach sunglasses vendor's hard-sell technique on PIP.) You want? You want it? You really need-

 

PIP(annoyed at KOPOV.) I am not paying out for something I can't -

 

KOPOV It goes to charities backed by various state funded -

 

PIP Oh well, if it's all for a good cause! Why didn't you say before?

 

KOPOV smirks, shaking his head, shrugging. PIP takes out a card and inserts it into a KOPOV'S baton and types in his P.I.N. so anyone can see it. KOPOV looks where PIP returns his card to his dressing gown pocket.

 

RICK(has taken the packs and is trying to swallow them without KOPOV seeing.) GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

 

PIP I'm sorry Mister Security Person for being so rude - you make me feel secure as well. It's well worth it, I hope. I do trust you. Can you take me and my companions back to our main suite please?

 

KOPOV(opens a door.) It's there.

 

PIP Thanks, oh thank you sooooooooooooooooo much!

 

KOPOV Don't worry sir, I've means-tested you already.

 

PIP Great, that's great. Thank you so much!

 

KOPOV(frisks GOSPEL RICK) I don't like the look of him though, sir. I'm going to have to detain him for whenever I'm through with him.

 

PIP Oh, right. I suppose he does look dodgy for these parts. Don't worry Rick, I know you haven't been out for a while. I'll let Toddy know you got a bit messed up. The meds'll sort you out - you'll be hooked up, don't worry! It'll be fine, okay?

 

KOPOV(dragging GOSPEL RICK away. LALIO comes round.) Mam, your nose might be broken. Please do not sue me.

 

LALIO(sizing KOPOV up again.) It's sweet babe - I always wanted a new one. I like it rough -

 

KOPOV Follow me then, please.

 

LALIO Bootiful!

 

KOPOV drags LALIO away as she screams; hear loud cracking sounds of KOPOV'S baton. PIP smiles at TARVOA helping her stagger though the door. The PHANTOMIZED DEATH SQUAD INC appear TARVOA looks scared and tries to hide as PIP tries to shoo them away.

 

PIP Shoo shoo! Can't you spirit fucks see this is a private penthouse! (To TARVOA) Can't you chant something at them? (TARVOA looks frozen with fear she looks baffled by PIP) I suppose our cultures are -

 

KOPOV returns, wiping his baton with a solvent wipe.

 

KOPOV(laughing.) Had to use my baton again on that one - but you didn't hear from me right?

PIP(ignoring him, pointing at the PHANTOMIZED DEATH SQUAD INC.) Can you do anything about them?

 

KOPOV No - not my field of expertise. That's something spiritual - too specialized for me. One for your poncy talking therapies. I don't want to get involved in that!

 

PIP Can't you help me - please get rid of them! They're after her, but she's needed for a , erm, work research.

 

KOPOV I see. Hmmmn. Well, sir, all I can suggest is that you try to parley with them.

 

PIP You have no idea what you’re talking about - do you?

 

KOPOV(laughs to himself, shrugging.) I just storm brains, sir. I can only advise you to find more advice.

 

PIP Thanks.

 

KOPOV Will that be all sir? I've got the day job to go to?

 

PIP Yes, sure, thank you officer.

 

KOPOV Sir!

 

KOPOV salutes, standing to attention, then about turns and tries to goose-step but cramps up and hobbles out.

 

PIP That was efficient. (Still trying to shoo away the PHANTOMIZED DEATH SQUAD INC.) Shame these things are still here though!

 

TARVOA (groans.)

 

PIP Don't worry - maybe they'll go? Fancy powdered tea?

 

TARVOA (shakes her head.)

 

PIP If I take them out you won't scream and beat yourself up again?

 

TARVOA (nods)

 

PIP suddenly gets bundled and attacked by the PHANTOMIZED DEATH SQUAD INC. TARVOA groans.

 

TWO

 

LALIO and RICK are shivering tied up together, while KOPOV masturbates over them. His penis is an artificial extension of a smaller police baton as he wipes his secretions and lubricants on both of them, trying to force his penis-baton into LALIO'S mouth then tries RICK'S mouth, but RICK has passed out.

 

KOPOV You ever been processed?

 

LALIO screams, trying to get free while RICK snores; KOPOV laughs as he takes out the slider-dildo - in a sealed and labelled plastic evidence bag - and rips it out of it.

LALIO stops screaming, and smiles, looking relieved. She starts laughing at KOPOV.

 

THREE

We hear LALIO screaming still and crying out ambiguously - we do not if in pleasure or in pain. PIP is now kissing and hugging the PHANTOMIZED DEATH SQUAD INC. TARVOA stares looking scared at them as PIP is consumed by them; he has messed his hair up and is now wearing an ancient leather biker jacket to promote his idea of his new rebel status. YANKIESPANKIETODDY enters dressed as a hood rat - he's dressed in flammable tracksuit and wears a stained burnt up hoodie and huge platform retro LA Lights trainers. He has sharp curly fake nails on one hand, his other hand is now a huge penis. His penis has also been enlarged and drags along the floor. He also has a single dreadlock which dangles down out from his hood, but it's been wrapped in cling-film. He smokes a pipe wrapped in a Rizla and a piece of foil, a tourniquet around his neck with a syringe attached to it like a piece of jewellery. He jumps around, trying to act tough.

 

PIP She's in the film. She'll do the tar stuff - we need to find more out about her kind though

 

 TODDY Fuck it - we should just fuck and fuck. Like my new image for this one? I was almost going to say cowafucka-bunga!

 

PIP It's very dated now.

 

TODDY Eat my shits! It's coming back with 'dude'. Isn't it? I'll fire that trend-consultant if they fuckin lied to me again. Bloody chancers - they're meant to know what happens; they're gossip whores - I bet they're laughing at me!

 

PIP Sounds a boring event. It go out with a bang, though?

 

TODDY It was a shit party - I was hoping everyone would die from boredom or someone would overdose. Least it's something happening!

 

PIP You haven't been mugged again, have you?

 

TODDY No... no - honest! The security guard saved me from the savages. Thank fuck for that. They're jealous of my body.

 

PIP(makes stabbing movements with his hand.) You're lucky you're not you-know-what. I'm being serious - I do care. I will need your mangled organs at some point for sacrifice. It's non-voluntary, you've been spiritually head-hunted.

 

TODDY Were you calling me a wanker? That's spot-on! What's with the new image, gimpy-geeko?

 

PIP I'm a rebel now. Isn't it obvious?

 

TODDY Huh? How? You're a gimpy geek!

 

PIP Her parents have fucked me spiritually. They're in me.

 

TODDY(hugging PIP, intrigued.) What's a spiritual fuck? A new toy? It got batteries? I bet it needs charging for time? Where I plug it -

 

PIP Shut up and listen you silly tart. I'm running this show now. You hear me?

 

TODDY Am I blushing? You called me a silly tart!

 

PIP She's expecting.

 

TODDY What? No! Not on the new flooring!

 

TARVOA suddenly screams giving birth to loads of TAR BABIES.

 

PIP(laughs completely over-the-top.) It's... A (Looks pale, opens his mouth expecting to vomit.) They look really yucky, it's sickening. I might(Heaves again, but doesn't vomit.) Phew - that's too close.

 

TODDY(trying not to laugh, looking for hidden cameras.) What's going on? It's a cheesy gag, right? It on that show with thingys' bloke? Beadle can't be - must be Charlotte Chur -

 

PIP No, oh no! BELIEEEEEEEEEEEVEEEEEEEE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

 

TODDY Shit! It real? (Staring the TAR BABIES.) Looks well fake.

 

PIP Will you shut up! She needs to concentrate it's her birthy pre-birth after-birth thing, right?

 

TODDY Shit - you have changed. You been out to get the milk then?

 

PIP I've got the milk alright!

 

       PIP takes out of a compartment floppy oozy CUM BABIES; they're in large boil-in-the bag packets. They scream when they see the TAR BABIES.

 

TODDY(looking nervous, rubbing his penis-nose with his penis-hand.) What you -

 

PIP This is my milk - it's what they needed me for. For my useless unused semen.

 

TODDY That's a lot of cum! You should bank it! What you taking to shoot all that?

 

PIP Is it okay I use your ninja sword out of your weapon collection?

 

TODDY For the pic? Great – fuck it, why not!

 

PIP No, for the sacrifice.

 

TODDY I don't get it?

 

PIP It's all logical. I thought it all through - they keep telling me to -

 

           TARVOA screams in pain crying, secreting yet more tar. YANKIESPANKIE TODDY is amazed.

 

TODDY I'm sick of seeing all this shit against women - aren't you? They get a raw deal -

 

PIP Shut up you freak! I'm going to offer you to -

 

TODDY Wait up - this isn't that hen party where Nick Rava dropped out, so they want -

 

PIP You're so self-obsessed - the world isn't you or this shitty penthouse.

 

TODDY What you saying?

 

PIP I'm saying that it's all shit and I'm the unifier.

 

TODDY This don't make sense, buddy. It's lucky I've got that backup deal with -

 

PIP This is where I chop your head off.

 

TODDY With what? Can we budget for a-

 

PIP(takes out the smallest penknife ever.) This is a start. Expect to find out during your endtime the joys of menstrual pain.

 

TODDY Shit man - can't you find something -

 

PIP(does an awful impression of 'Tetsuo Iron Man'.)ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

 

PIP lunges for TODDY; TODDY tries to dodge him, treads on his enlarged penis, trips over it and gets trapped in the CUM BABIES; he screams.

 

TODDY They're burning my face! PIP! Help! What have I done? I haven't insured it yet! Nooooooooooooooooo!

 

TODDY exits, slowly screaming, trying to pull the gooey CUM BABIES off his face with his penis-hand whilst dragging his huge enlarged penis with