A.V.W.D. - Herb Skew (100 best novels of all time txt) 📗

his other hand, as it is so heavy.

 

PIP Damn. I'll need to send them after him. I've marked him though. He's not going to get far with my cum. (Angrily, turning to TARVOA.) You will help me lure a new sacrifice?

 

LALIO suddenly bursts back in, screaming, naked, covered in blood, semen and foamy spray whipped cream.

 

LALIO Pip - man, you got to help me. He's lost it again, really lost it. I would've helped Rick, but -

 

PIP I understand. We're of higher plans now. (Looking up, saluting.) Thank you for sending her.

 

        LALIO looks baffled as the PHANTOMIZED DEATH SQUAD INC swamp over her and restrain her as she tries to fight them off.

TARVOA screams.

 

LALIO(to TARVOA.) Help me - please!

 

       LALIO is covered completely by the PHANTOMIZED DEATH SQUAD INC, as TARVOA leaks more TAR. She hugs her tar babies. LALIO thrusts her hand out of the PHANTOMIZED DEATH SQUAD INC and reaches out to TARVOA. TARVOA looks at PIP who shakes his head at her.

 

TARVOA Stop it, stop it. Artizmon no more!

 

PIP(holding his arms out wide as if he's trying to crucify himself in the air, swaying.) I am-

 

GOSPEL RICK enters with a police baton embedded in his head so he looks like a strange unicorn. GOSPEL RICK charges at the PHANTOMIZED DEATH SQUAD INC causing them to get off - or die - on LALIO. PIP tries to block him, but GOSPEL RICK staggers on PIP and falls on top of him.

 

PIP(coming out of his trance.) Securrrrrrrrrrrriteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Help me I'm being attacked by a ruffian. A hood ratted chovvy-chav-fuck has got horny and-

 

TARVOA(screams)

 

PIP(realising GOSPEL RICK is on top of him.) Shit - Rick, it's you? What the fuck's -

 

TARVOA No, please - no!

 

PIP They're not ours - are they?

 

TARVOA You were us. You might -

 

PIP I can't handle kids - they look vile. Can't we get a foreign nanny to sort them out?

 

TARVOA I -

 

PIP I'll get security. It's okay.

 

TARVOA(shaking her head.) No. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

 

PIP What is it with your sort? You drug me?

 

TARVOA It was the tea.

 

PIP I'll have to remember for the next issue that powdered water might just go out of fashion.

 

TARVOA Your whore friend is -

 

PIP(looking at LALIO.) Shit - it's her again. I thought she'd been ejected. Percheron Towers is no place for scruffs like-

 

TARVOA I -

 

PIP I wasn't going to rant -

 

TARVOA(squeezing her tar babies.) I'm sorry -

 

PIP Oh shit, I forgot. Rick. You okay buddy? Toddy knows some brilliant surgeons. We'll get you those titties you always wanted, mate. See I called you mate, didn't I? We'll get it sorted for the shoot - you'll be fine.

 

TARVOA You must do something.

 

PIP Help me up then. (TARVOA shivers huddling up, hugging her TAR BABIES. PIP tuts, using all his strength trying to push GOSPEL RICK off him.) Get the security -

 

LALIO(coming round.) That was a wicked one. What was I doing?

 

YANKIESPANKIE TODDY enters, the CUM BABIES are now being carried by YANKIESPANKIE TODDY in a maternal sling, as he is now dressed as the Milk Tray Man filming everything with a small endoscopic camera attached to his penis-nose.

 

PIP Security: remove her and help my mate. He's a waster, but he's wasted again.

 

TODDY(flicks his labia-forehead.) Brilliant. I thought you got rid of the girl?

 

PIP She came back.

 

TODDY You got a family now?

 

PIP Wait a mo - what you doing as security?

 

TODDY I got demoted, it's short-term down-turn. I don't mind now. It's work experience. As long as I pretend to remain unapologetically middle-class, I'll work my way up again. (Pretends he is sucking a cock.) You know how it works today!

 

PIP The markets have crashed again?

 

TODDY Who cares! I'm probably just a bit bored of all that to be honest... It's not really me! I mean, I've got everything that I wanted, it wasn't really working out. Wads of money, all those bonuses and all that power! I don't know. It might be a rebellious phase.

 

PIP Oh grow up - lift him off me. Go on. Where's the other bloke?

 

TODDY What other bloke?

 

PIP Don't worry - it might be -

 

TODDY I can't risk injuring myself - I think I'm being singled out by the City. They don't like my sort. I'll get millions off the tribunal for this one.

 

PIP You're not thinking of a sex change?

 

TODDY No, Lalio gave me the idea - I always wanted the best of all worlds.

 

        KOPOV enters dressed like 'Conan the Barbarian' carrying a massive dildo-sword. He yells, baring his teeth. PIP looks confused, while YANKIESPANKIE TODDY looks scared and holds his rectum, trying to prevent himself from excreting.

 

KOPOV ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

 

PIP I don't find it that shocking. It's not new - is it?

 

TODDY(looking ill.) Oh, that's a bit -

 

     YANKIE SPANKIE TODDY suddenly detaches his enlarged penis and dashes off quickly, dropping it as KOPOV swings his massive dildo above his head; LALIO weakly spreads her legs, waiting for KOPOV to strike as PIP struggles under GOSPEL RICK, now fearing the worse. TARVOA screams, as the TAR BABIES attack KOPOV and his face is covered by the TAR BABIES, as they slowly suck his life-force.

 

KOPOV(trying to get the TAR BABIES off his face, slightly muffled.) I was only role-playing, honest (Gasping.)...HON -

 

    KOPOV cannot get the TAR BABIES off him and exits, screaming as if he's on fire.

   PIP struggles again to get GOSPEL RICK off him, but it's no good and passes out.

   We hear the awful mix set through tinny speakers which tries to cut and scratch the recording of someone violently retching.

  GOSPEL RICK suddenly comes round, gets up off PIP, and walks away like a zombie, drooling.

 

EVENING

ONE

 

We see PIP, TARVOA and LALIO all passed out. PIP regains consciousness first and sees TARVOA and LALIO.

 

PIP Nooooooowaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! I scored on a one night stand! Shit two in one! I hope they're not sex workers again - I usually need to pay for this privilege! Hopefully, I've scored a messy orgy for sweet F.A! (Smiling at his penis, grasping his genitals through his soiled boxers.) I'm sooo pleased I've got a crusty dick! Oh praise the -

 

TARVOA(suddenly screams, then passes out again.)

 

PIP You keep screaming - can't you relax now? I've fucked youz hoez! See my street improves the more Americanized I become.(From his dressing gown pockets, he takes out some MTV-logo acid-tabs, licks one and slaps one his forehead, licking another then placing one on his penis, then eats the rest.) See if I become an English American gangsta-starr I might be able to get welfare in Compton! Oh, yes, I'm hip to the hop. See, I can dance on a broken cut. (PIP tries to break-dance, but does so very slowly and has a strop like a toddler, stamping his feet on the floor in frustration, and ends up trying to break the set but he's too weak and feeble.) Wordupfreakout, Freddie's fucked. Booyar-iiight-kashmirshah! (Slaps himself.) Shit, I must be stereotypically freaking out. I'm free from this, yes, I'll never mess myself up ever again (Looking at LALIO; suddenly shaking sounding elderly.) You're bloody infectious! What have you given me? You dirty things - I'll need testing.

 

TARVOA(releases her gag and dental floss bondage.) I am scared of the unknown. I need closure.

 

PIP I'm sorry - you could've undone that -

 

TARVOA The authorities will know nothing; I have passed.

 

PIP What?

 

TARVOA I need to perform the rituals.

 

PIP Huh?

 

TARVOA Let's get ethnic. (Takes out a remote control and points it, presume she is pressing 'play'. We hear Coolio's 'Kinda High, Kinda Drunk' play; it's horrendous for PIP. PIP tries to break dance again, but is too tired. TARVOA laughs at him, pointing the remote control again, stopping the music, shaking her head in disgust at PIP.) They will hunt us down - forever viva. I need to lose this weight on me

 

PIP Sorry - did you say Viva Forever? Oh no! Not you as well! (Tries to dance like a Spice Girl) I suppose it's the allure of pop - want good legs, a flat tummy? Want to be a stick? Yes, I get it. A good job is being Peaches Geldof. Yes, I think everyone wants to see that sextape. Don't stare me out sulky pants! Eat yourself thin why don't you! I bet you eat your puke! I can't believe how -

 

TARVOA I must visit Ochee - please do not disturb me...Again.

 

TARVOA grows quiet and stands perfectly still like a statue. PIP looks baffled.

 

PIP(opens a compartment and takes out a foil blanket and wraps TARVOA in it, so she's completely covered by it. She occasionally convulses in astral ecstasy as he does this.) Thank goodness for that. Fuckin weirdo. She'll never do what Toddy wants now. I'm fucked. I'll have to do it. (Takes out of the compartment a basque and some stiletto boots. He tries to squeeze into it all, but he can't fit. He's slowly giving up. He takes out some lipstick from his pocket and applies it to his lips quickly, not caring how it looks. He finds a red afro wig and puts it on.) Shit - I need tits. I better find the number of that surgeon.

 

KOPOV enters, covered in CUM BABIES, looking like a giant Sperm cell wearing nothing but a white laboratory coat. He flashes PIP.

 

KOPOV Hello sir - my other day job.

 

PIP Oh right... Good. What's going on out there?

 

KOPOV It's just the world sir, don't worry, it'll turn and turn. It's fucked just like you.

 

PIP I see. I've a problem.

 

KOPOV Yes, your news feature for the Percheron Towers News viral. Viewed by the people who live in the penthouse. And no-one really cares about it.

 

PIP I've suspected it. Not that it keeps me up all night - though I haven't slept in years!

 

KOPOV(stroking PIP's hair and face.) I do like it - I'm your biggest fan. Possibly your only fan. Well, I'm only saying it as I'm standing right in front of you! You pay my living-wages, of course, as you're the higher life form in this society. I don't mind working even if I'm impoverished, I really don't mind. I'm proud to be grafting. But I think you're a bit of a wanker most of the times.

 

PIP I know. I keep getting told that. I don't know why!

 

KOPOV Yes, I read your electronic correspondence too. Interesting, if not flawed. Did you smell me on your console?

 

PIP Huh?

 

KOPOV Don't worry, it's the science bit. Concentrate. (Flashes PIP again. PIP looks shocked.) Tits right?

 

PIP What?

 

KOPOV You need tits?

 

PIP Yes, I -

 

KOPOV(takes out of the pockets of his white laboratory coat, two breasts with a foreskin attached to the nipple of each breast. They are wrapped in cling-film, deli-style.) These are fresh.

 

PIP Great - how much?

 

KOPOV These'll be discounted - say two mill?

 

PIP Fine.

 

KOPOV Okay, I'll stretch your flaps for free.

 

PIP But -

 

KOPOV You'll need them if you want to break the Yanks. Look at all the beautiful people? Exactly! All about Stateside, fuck all that Team GB bullshit!

 

PIP I don't need flaps, though.

 

KOPOV It'll add something.

 

PIP(unsure, but gives in.) Oh go on then.

 

KOPOV You might even be sponsored for charity - you never know? You ever thought about giving birth as a man? You have to network, constantly sell yourself through