A.V.W.D. - Herb Skew (100 best novels of all time txt) 📗

with Kiss and Aswad. But he'll be our yard-fuckbait (Takes a dreadlock wig out of the compartment and puts it on GOSPEL RICK) It'll be a good e-pic?

 

PIP A what?

 

LALIO E-pic? Take a pic? E-pictures. E-i-e-o? You know? We might get a scene! (Starts to style her hair, twiddling it.) But he might work in the band. I've been working with some odd fucks called Gory Pussy Collective. Psy-trance Screamo Rave Punk.

 

PIP Nobody says e-pic. I don't get it. What the fuck are you -

 

LALIO(trying to get PIP'S nipples hard by blowing on them and flicking them.) You heard of it aiiight?

 

PIP(LALIO is sucking and licking PIP's nipples.) Rhyming slang for Isle of Wight? Right? Don't tell me you played there?

 

LALIO We're all over, but the band-movement-thing keeps breaking up and getting back together. It's more of a scene really. A casual instense kinda vibe. We're eating the marketing fuckers at the moment by letting random veejays do their own bootleg remixes of our shit. It's all experimental, we think - like who really fuckin' knows! We've only got two songs. No, maybe one. But the point is it's about the issues, maaaaaaaaaaaaan!

 

PIP What issues?

 

LALIO Whatever, right? You didn't notice the world shit? Loads of shit, all the shittyworldshit? The shitty system shit? Man... it's just a dump, like a masive shit. All the religious shit? Spirit stuff? In the shitter. Earth-turdin'. You don't check it?

 

PIP No, I don't.

 

LALIO You stay here all the time right? Like a bumboy?

 

PIP It caters all my needs here. But I'm no bum-boy, sweetie.

 

LALIO Shit, that's crazy.

 

PIP Why?

 

LALIO I love the fresh air.

 

PIP What? Out there?

 

LALIO I get high off the sulphur at times. It sends me dizzy - my heart skips beats all the time! It's kooky, but not that odd - now dogging on Marylebone, that's -

 

PIP I need another cup of-

 

LALIO Acid? Brilliant idea! We should Yage it up as well, baby! Yage rage is zen-gaga, buddio - Yage is the new skag. You mix it up with opiate-E?

 

PIP What you on about? You're a dick - you know nothing! There's no water here. We're all on powder now!

 

LALIO Piss on me. I drink my piss too!

 

PIP Toddy knows. He's seen you before on Daisy and Dawson's sites.

 

LALIO I wanted the Hegre-artyfarty job. But I might get it on with you if I was bored, but I've got an infection.

 

PIP I don't want to know. Please wait while I -

 

LALIO I keep razors up my cunt too. You never know these days - d'yer?

 

PIP Twat-blades?

 

LALIO Oh sooooo handy. Sharp pussies can save lives.

 

PIP Sorry - it can only be violent. You in a girl gang? A switchblade sissy? I can use you for my feature. That's semi-interesting. Is it in the news already? Then I'll know if it's relevant for today!

 

LALIO(starts to put make-up over her face, messily.) No, oh no - it's for a quick trim on the tube. If my pubes grow, I'll need a quick hack, or it might fuck up my job. I mean, I lost some jobs on having too much bush. I Braaaaaaaa-zilla it all up but it grows back soooooooo quick, it gets soooooooo bushy. Must be me body. Or the steroids.

 

PIP(takes out a D.D.T spray-can and goes to spray it over LALIO.) You're -

 

LALIO I love bushy bushes though. I think the HRT hasn't fully worked. I got opped.

 

PIP Sorry?

 

LALIO(takes out her tail- penis. PIP'S in shock, pressing the spray can over himself, but it's empty.) Check it.

 

PIP You've got a -

 

LALIO It came free with my fanny moulds!

 

PIP(disgusted.) I'm -

 

LALIO It's brilliant right? I can stuff most things up me. I done anal fisting when I was pregnant - when I was younger though! I've got to think of me figgy now!

 

PIP I-

 

LALIO Feel it - go on! It's all spongy. It ain't latex. It's off my fat arse. I'm on the Primose Hill-Somalian diet now. I'll bin it for the Shoreditch Sudanese diet soon. Would I look trendy if I stood next to a refugee? Like a real one? That's on telly a bit more.

 

PIP(repulsed.) Shit that's -

 

LALIO Toddy loves it. When we done 'Dogs Dinner Playhouse Dolls Two Hundred' he said I should get more surgery. I've had the foreskin sorted out now. Look I'm glowing - that's the melanin O.D I had last year working its magic - it's all worth it.

 

PIP(retching.) T-t-that’s poison!

 

LALIO My word you really are tied to the nineties!

 

PIP(crying.) I'm sorry, I'm so down...I get soooooo-

 

LALIO(starts slapping him feebly.) Oh great, you're a cry baby. Another wet. Bet you work in P.R.! You need a remedy! Or are you a little floppy willy? Just my fucking luck!

 

PIP(blubbing.) I can be angry. Like a real man. But I'll need to adjust my meds.

 

LALIO Don't we all! Look, Pippy, tell Toddstarr I'll call back later!

 

PIP How do you know my name? (LALIO shrugs.) Can you get me some milk?

 

LALIO Sure. It's off my free range.

 

       LALIO squirts ejaculate out of her tail-penis, vagina, and rectum all over PIP. PIP licks it up, tasting it for some time as if he's a top chef.

 

PIP(smiles.) That's quite -

 

          PIP passes out. RICK starts laughing. LALIO takes out a bottle of baby oil and pours it over herself, and into her clogs, smearing  herself in it, dancing.

 

TWO

 

YANKIESPANKIE TODDY enters with a labia on his forehead and a penis for a nose. He is dressed in a surgical scrub covered in blood and looks shaken. He drinks a bottle of Absinthe. He looks at himself in the mirror, posing, smiling shiny teeth smiles. Keeps trying different smiles. He puts an earpiece into his ear.

YANKIESPANKIE TODDY(perfect English accent.) Now for when I fist thee fish and fudge, I want a foreskin on my knuckles? Okay? Stick it on the account, baby!

 

YANKIESPANKIE TODDY jumps out of a window, we hear him laughing out loud as he falls.

 

THREE

 

LALIO is slapping PIP. She has hog-tied him and placed him over a chair. She pulls down his boxers, but lets him keep his dressing gown on. LALIO adjusts a webcam in the corner.

 

PIP(coming round, realising he's hog-tied.) No, nooo! Look, erm, umm... babe, look, the neighbours we'll hear and -

 

LALIO But I've got to try out moi new dickie? I paid good money for this. It's not like I can flog it on shitebay - can I?

 

PIP No, but -

 

LALIO Let me see if it works up the junction. I've got a fanny-pump, too. Do you stretch your dick?

 

PIP Noooooooooooooooooo!

 

LALIO laughs as she is about to anally fuck PIP. GOSPEL RICK suddenly enters and handcuffs himself to LALIO. LALIO starts laughing, but RICK's stronger and pulls her away. LALIO screams, as RICK drags her away. PIP is crying. We then hear a banging from below, then the doorbell rings.

 

PIP RICK! RICK! IT'S THE DOOR! I RECKON IT'S THE NEW NEIGHBOURS - THEY'RE REALLY QUIET SO THEY'VE GOT TO BE DICKS! JUST GET RID OF THEM! PLEASE RICK! RICK?

 

LALIO is screaming, the doorbell keeps ringing.

 

LALIO(off) CORN-NUTS! SALTY BALLS! WHAT'S THE FUCKIN' PASSWORD, CHIEF?!

 

LALIO screams again.

 

LALIO(off)HARDERYOUTOOL!HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARD-ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

 

PIP(annoyed.) They'll call the -

 

TARVOA enters dressed in a white wedding dress, her face covered in the veil, and she wears a white cricket hat. She looks around. PIP looks scared, freezing. From elsewhere in the penthouse, we still hear LALIO and RICK copulating.

 

TARVOA You leave door open. You have fine time?

 

PIP Erm, well, look, I'm -

 

TARVOA(starts to untie PIP.) You call polliz?

 

PIP Sorry?

 

TARVOA(giggles.) I not long here.

 

PIP(stares at TARVOA, then pulls up his boxer shorts.) Right, right. Thanks. You want a -

 

                LALIO screams, then starts laughing. We hear GOSPEL RICK grunting like a pig.

 

LALIO(off.) YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!

 

PIP Don't worry about them - it's all very civilized really.

 

TARVOA She wife? For you?

 

PIP Wife? No - no way.

 

TARVOA(starts to mumble some strange incantation over PIP.) ARGEEBARRGEEEEEEEEARRRRRRRRRGEEEEOOOOOOOO!

 

PIP That's wacky - I've seen it before though! You’ll go solo too?

 

TARVOA I know not what this wacky is.

 

PIP(smiles.) It's an expression, I mean -

 

TARVOA(places her hand over PIP's mouth.) SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSH! Shut mouth - silence is good now.

 

PIP(muffled.) ERMMUMER!

 

TARVOA HOOSH! (Starts crying, looking up at the ceiling, sniffs the air.) It's my parents. They know. I hate leaving my-

 

PIP(removes TARVOA'S hand away from his mouth, gently holds her hand.) It's okay, I mean. You're English is pretty good for a foreign body. You might get on okay here. You never know. I don’t want to oppress you, I’m pro-everything.

 

TARVOA(horrified as PIP holds her hand. She snatches her hand away, but she starts secreting tar from her breasts.) ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

 

PIP(amazed.) Oh gosh!

 

TARVOA(looking around.) My parents - no dappy pappy-o, no yummy mummy-o!

 

PIP That's well strange - I haven't seen that before. What religion's this -

 

TARVOA I must leave. I have evil.

 

PIP No, it's just -

 

TARVOA I am promised to Artizmon. Not to -

 

PIP(smelling the tar.) It's tar? That's amazing. How you -

 

TARVOA I must leave.

 

YANKIESPANKIE TODDY enters, dressed as Elvis. He smiles, as he masturbates his nose penis. TARVOA screams when she see TODDY. PIP doesn't seem to notice TODDY'S recent surgery. We hear the sounds of frenzied whipping from else where; and occasionally we hear LALIO moaning and GOSPEL RICK occasionally snorting like a pig 

 

TODDY Yayyayay! Pippy boy? You keggin' it? Smells like... a party? Where's the-

 

PIP Toddy it's not what you-

 

TODDY This might be a good cam-show - what's that? Choccy sauce or shit?

 

PIP It's tar.

 

TODDY I like it - that's a good sell. Tar-sports. We'll work it in between scat-play and golden showers. She's okay to be hog-tied and spanked? I'll get the machines on her after I double dip her. It's all go right?

 

PIP I know it's -

 

We suddenly hear thunder and see flashes of lightning; we hear some demonic groaning. TARVOA convulses, but she's making a deep throaty growl as if possessed.

 

TODDY We better give her a job. Or is that her orgasm? It's a bit Eighties, isn't it?

 

PIP She's not interested in -

 

TODDY She's in a cult, right? So she's got to be messed up - all religious types are! They make the best porn stars! What's with the weird get up then? Or it Halloween already?

 

PIP She's spiritual - I don't know what! She might pray to booze for all I know! I think she's the new neighbour - downstairs.

 

TODDY Brilliant international recruitment policy, buddybud! I needed more spiritual people in the shows actually. We need to be more multi-cultural on it. Schumer’s cornering it all. Hit the diversity market. Fill the quotas, tick the boxes, jizz over the swarm! Just to make us look interested in equal rights, right? Remember it’s just about looking interested. The more ethnic the better. It can be shit though - all we need is just some Black, Brown Asian, Chinkywinky Slavic, someone from a gulag camp piece of shit lobbed in too. I don’t know what it’s called, do I? I just watch the News in sixty seconds! Maybe we'll do a two minute promo trailer? (Punching the air, as if lifting weights.) I'm into fist -

 

PIP I didn't know equality was a problem for you?

 

TODDY It's one of those little problems.

 

PIP I can imagine.

 

TODDY It's worse when we're forced to be all equal. It's rubbish that - where's the fun in that?

 

PIP You're not going to rack her?

 

TODDY(excited, smiling.) She can start tonight - get her prepped, boyo-bud. I want Mindy on her hair and make-up - make sure she gets an enema right, for you know what? What you think of you know what?

 

PIP What?

 

TODDY (points to his labia and his penis-nose.) Oh yoo-hoo!

 

PIP Oh, yes, great.

 

TODDY Very expensive - I did get a discount though - but it's worth it. I’m ahead of the game, it’s a future thing. It's also a massive career move for me, although I'm still not happy about the stretchiness of the labia.

 

PIP Right.

 

TODDY Want to flick it for me puh-leeeze? We can do some stretches?

 

PIP I better -

 

TODDY Is she dead? I'll call Vinnie and we'll let him know there's a corpse. He'll