How to Talk to Anyone (Junior Talker #3) - DeYtH Banger (bts book recommendations TXT) 📗

to sexual intercourse — but with the very fundamental difference (borne over from the basic meanings of the word) that screwing someone just refers, in a roundabout way, to the general ‘in-out’ motions performed during sex, while nailing someone indicates that there is a nailer and a nailee: one party is ‘using’ the nail, and the other party is implicitly likened to a wall that the nail goes into. In other words, it is quite common for a guy to brag to his friends that he ‘nailed’ a girl; but not very common for a girl to say that she ‘nailed’ a guy.”

Toppling sexist metaphor use one ridiculous suggestion at a time, allow me to suggest...

Alternative: Wind up my little ball of yarn

 

 

This plucky little phrase was actually a popular way to talk about the sex in England and Scotland in the 19th century. It even has its own traditional folk song, in which the narrator is out for a stroll when a “maiden fair” makes the titular offer, which, of course, sounds delightful.

Chapter 10.1 - Conversation (Part 2)

Reader Question Answered: How to Talk to Strangers Confidently Without Practicing

 

 

 

 

How do you talk to someone you don’t know? How do you build your confidence, other than practicing talking (because sometimes you don’t have time, or you’ve tried and failed enough)

 

These are two questions I get asked often. So I’ve included my response below in the hopes it might help you too.

 

My Response

Hey XXXX,

So a couple of big questions here. I’ll do my best to give you some good suggestions here in this short email.

The short answer to your first question is really confidence. Once you are more confident in yourself and your social abilities, you can more easily go up and talk to people you don’t know.

There’s always this debate of “what do I say?” when talking to a stranger. But really, if you have more confidence, you can say almost anything and it will work.

 

 

Because the other person will sense the confidence in your voice. They’ll sense it in your body language. They’ll sense it radiating from you in ways you can’t fake.

 

This will put them at ease a bit and they’ll be more accepting which will make it easier to engage them. Now you can fake some of this a little. You can focus on better eye contact and posture, etc. But ultimately, you really need to be confident.

 

How to Build Confidence

 

The ONLY way I’ve found to truly build confidence is by DOING the thing you lack confidence in. So yes that means, if you lack confidence talking to people, you HAVE to talk to more people to gain confidence.

I know that sounds like a catch 22, but there is a way to do it.

It’s nothing revolutionary.

 

You do it by taking baby steps. This also addresses your concerns of not having time and failing.

There are likely people around you on a daily basis you can practice on who also don’t intimidate you too much. For example, you can practice basic conversation skills on your:

 

coworkers family current friends the checkout clerk at the coffee shop etc

 

The point is, you practice basic skills in settings where you are already around people. This way, you aren’t spending any more time on it than you normally would throughout your day. Also, since you’re around these people (mentioned above) on a more normal basis, you’re likely going to be less intimidated.

There will be less worry about failing.

 

By doing things this way, when you DO see a stranger you’d like to talk to, you’ll have more practice under your belt. You’ll be just that much LESS intimidated because of all the social “weight-lifting” you’ve been doing elsewhere. So you’ll be more likely to try talking to that person than otherwise.

And of course, that serves as practice too, right?

The Smart Way to Practice

When I wanted to get better at all this, I did just what I described above. I started practicing basic conversation skills with my current friends, family, coworkers, etc.

Seeing how (consciously) good I could be in conversation in those settings gave me a confidence boost. I also began to see how bad many other people’s conversation skills are. That boosted my confidence more.

Then I moved up to talking to more and more intimidating strangers. Sure, I sucked at times and felt a bit embarrassed. But I was ABLE to step out and try because of the practice I had done before which built up my confidence.

What shocked me in those situations was that sometimes when talking to a stranger, I’d do AMAZING! It’s like I just knew what to say and how to say it. It wasn’t stuff I’d rehearsed saying in advance or anything…it just flowed out of me.

What I’ve discovered is, when you start to build your confidence, you worry less in social situations. When you worry less, your brain is more free to spontaneously come up with stuff to say in conversations. So really, building confidence through experience is the KEY.

 

So that’s a bit of a long winded answer. If you’d like to hear more on this concept, I actually wrote a post on Pick the Brain titled: Are You Messing Up the Simple X+Y=Z Formula For Building Confidence?

Hope this helps!

 

Sincerely,

 

Dean

 

What Are Your Questions

 

So I hope that response also helps you. If you have questions or want even more advice on building confidence, overcoming shyness, and improving conversation skills, you can sign up for my free newsletter by clicking here.

You can also leave questions and comments below.

 

 

 

The 1 Night That Makes Talking to Strangers in Bars 13 x Easier

 

 

 

Through talking to many shy and socially insecure people, there’s a cruel irony I’ve discovered.

Many crave the ability to talk to the “cool” people in places like bars, clubs or on the street. But unfortunately, talking to those people in those places feels impossible.

“Popular people” are generally more “picky” and dismissive in those types of “cold” social settings. And the fact rejection seems more likely to you makes these the hardest places to engage strangers if you aren’t already confident and skilled socially.

Well, if you’ve read any of my articles before, you know I advocate practicing your conversation skills repeatedly. This grows your skills AND confidence so you gradually expand your comfort zone.

 

But how can you practice in places like bars when it’s so hard to even start talking to people there?

Well, what if it could be easy, even for just one night out of the year? What if there was a way for even insecure people to easily start conversations in these intimidating yet alluring places?

 

Make Conversation Practice Easy by Going Out on Halloween

 

In my experience, Halloween is one of the best nights of the year for a socially insecure person to socialize in a bar. Yes I’ll admit, saying it’s 13 times easier is just in the spirit of the season. But I DO know from experience starting conversation is exponentially easier on Halloween.

Because on Halloween, talking to people you don’t know in places like bars and clubs is expected. In other words, you have the perfect conversation starter built into the event.

 

 “Aw, that costume is awesome!”

OR

“Whoa…ok. I give up. What IS your costume?”

Some variation on the above two lines is the conversation starter everyone engages in all night long. Not only is it expected, people WANT you to comment on their costume.

It also works great when you recognize what someone’s costume is and compliment them on it. This works even better if they’re an obscure character, like say Starswirl the Bearded ;)

 

That’s High-5 worthy right there!

 

Why Halloween Makes Starting Conversations Easier

Basically, Halloween makes the normal “cold” social setting of bars and clubs more “warm.” It gives everyone there something in common to talk about. Plus, because of the nature of the holiday, most people are in a playful, positive, and open mood.

This makes the starting a conversation part of things less anxiety provoking.

After you make a comment on their costume, continuing the conversation is also easier.

Maybe you talk about fond memories you have related to their costume/character Maybe you ask why they chose the costume, then talk about your costume a bit Maybe you discuss other costumes you’ve each seen people wearing that night

 

Throughout all of this chatting, it’s likely free information about them will come out. You can use this to continue the conversation in a different direction. Just remember, the above examples are only to show you that simple topics CAN work.

But my advice is to stray away from rehearsing what you will say or creating pre-planned material.

Remember, you’re working at moving through a conversation in the moment, NOT at performing a script you planned in advance. In most cases, pre-planning what you’re going to say only makes you MORE nervous and you end up sounding awkward.

 

 

3 Tips to Talk to MORE People with LESS Anxiety This Halloween1. Practice at YOUR Skill Level

 

If you try to push too far past your current comfort zone, you’ll make yourself overly anxious. All that does is cause you to freeze up and not talk to new people. Instead, take baby steps. That’s the key to stop being shy.

So if you normally have trouble starting conversations with strangers, make JUST THAT your goal. Start say, 5 conversations during the night. Just comment on people’s costumes in a positive manner and get their response. That’s it. If you’ve done that, consider the night a success.

 

On the other hand, if starting a conversation like this isn’t that big a deal for you, aim a bit highter. See if you can keep the conversation going for a few minutes after you start.

The point is to push yourself out of your comfort zone, but not too far. That way you’ll still see success without feeling overwhelmed.

 

2. Wear an Awesome Costume

 

The benefit of wearing a good costume is others will stop YOU to talk about it. This gives you more “stranger practice” without having to approach as many people.

Now you can either buy a good costume OR put time and effort into making a clever one. The second is my favorite way to go. You don’t have to spend a lot of money on it either. You can often use stuff you have laying around the house.

 

 

“That’s a fact jack!”

For example, one of my recent Halloween costumes was a “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Nose.” Since it was funny and clever, I had people coming up to me all night asking about it.

 

So if you’re extra creative, make your costume unique or even obscure. For those who “get it,” you’ll create a strong connection. For those who don’t, they’re more likely to stop you and ask because they want to know what the hell you are.

 

3. Wear a Mask

 

Philip Zimbardo, a famous shyness researcher, describes how his younger brother overcame shyness with a paper bag. By wearing the bag over his head to elementary school, the boy gradually became more and more outgoing. The anonymity of the paper bag made him bold enough to act in ways he normally wouldn’t. Eventually he was able to be outgoing without hiding behind the bag.

You can use the same concept on Halloween with a mask. It can be a small Zorro type mask or a full face mask. Go to the Halloween store and test which makes you feel more liberated.

 

The point is, spending Halloween behind a mask is an opportunity to jump past your normal limitations. Even if it only helps you be bold and confident for one night, you’ll see what it feels like. You’ll see what’s possible.

Have an Intention to Practice, NOT to “Be Liked”

 

The